I have a friend
Not the kind of friend that you are thinking about
I have the kind of friend that keeps knocking at my brain, trying to get it so it can poison me with its thoughts
The kind of friend that tells me the world would be a better place without me
The kind of friend that forces me to be happy as I continuously hurt myself
The kind of friend that watches and stares as I try desperately to be desirable
The kind of friend the wont stop talking, telling me everything that is wrong with me
‘you can’t go out in that dress’
‘you look fat’
‘they are just pretending to be your friends’
‘no one really wants you’
The kind of friend that makes me second guess myself, that stops me from doing what I want
The kind of friend that forces me to put a smile on my face every morning and wear pants so that people don’t see the scars from the battle we had the night before
The kind of friend that no one knows about
The kind of friend that controls my every move and every step just by simply being there
The kind of friend that takes over my body, breaks relationships, forces me to push people away, taught me not to trust anyone
The kind of friend that leaves me crying in the bathroom at 1 am with a blade in my hand contemplating the value of life
The kind of friend that laughs as I hopelessly try to cling on to the last strands of happiness that she controls
The kind of friend that leaves me scared to stay at home alone
The kind of friend that forces me to fight with my demons every night
The kind of friend that I sadly can never out smart, the clingy kind that won’t ever leave no matter how hard you try, the kind that can’t take a hint
The kind of friend that keeps coming back for more even though you have tried to flush it out with a cocktail or pills and just when you think she might be gone forever she comes back
And I hate to say it, but over the years this friend has become a part of me
This is the kind of friend that is here to stay
The kind of friend that I, unfortunately, cannot live without
– Nikhila
“There are times when explanations, no matter how reasonable, just don’t seem to help”
– Fred Rogers